This is sapphire2009's Blue Wedding!

I know it's a pretty sad thing, but even now, 7 months on, I still can't watch a wedding on TV, in a movie, etc. without wanting to curl up and cry. Why? I'm not entirely sure- perhaps it has something to do with how unsatisfied and pissed off I still am about my own. How I didn't get that perfect day. How much I hated nearly everything in my wedding. It was NOTHING like how I'd wanted it to be. It was nothing like how I'd ever imagined my wedding to be. It was so much stress, so much planning, so many details, such a lack of communication and it was completely what everyone else wanted. All I could think in the weeks leading up to it, and the day of was how much of a disaster it was. I didn't want the wedding by the end of it all. I didn't want the marriage. I didn't want any of it.

And yet, the strangest thing is... I miss the planning. I miss looking at all of the beautiful weddings on various blogs. I miss picking up bargains at TJ Maxx, Marshalls, Michaels etc. and making things look cute. I miss designing invitations and other paper needs. I miss coming up with cute ideas and planning that this will go here, or that will go there.

I've deleted nearly all of the wedding blogs from my RSS reader. I don't visit Weddingbook on Facebook anymore. I'll still flip through the occasional bridal magazine while I'm waiting in line at the grocery store but that's about it these days. Or if I'm extremely bored, I'll watch a wedding show- but I have to flip it off before they show the actual wedding. I can only watch the planning part otherwise I bawl my eyes out in frustration and disappointment and wonder why that couldn't have been me.

I feel like the $12k that was spent, should've been enough to have given me a somewhat decent wedding- not necessarily anything over the top, but something that was pretty, enjoyable and nice. I shouldn't have had to fight tooth and nail for every little thing I wanted. I should've been able to have had a say in my own wedding. I should've been able to have said no, i don't want that. I should've been able to cap the number of people my ex-MIL invited. I should've had a wedding where I actually knew the guests, Where I was genuinely in love with the groom, where I had supportive bridesmaids, and a dress I loved. But instead, the whole thing was a farce. And I've never been so disappointed, angry, upset, annoyed, dismayed and anything else that you can think of in my life. In fact, I was embarrassed to be at my own wedding.

Of course, I'm sure part of my anger and dismay over the wedding has to do with some slight bitterness that I still hold for my ex- seeing as he hasn't signed the separation papers and has been dropped by his lawyer for refusing to return any form of contact... But I can't help but feel jealous when I see these lovely weddings on tv. I never asked for that much.

I never wanted anything big and over the top- that's not my style at all. I like sophistication. I like simple. I like intimate. I wanted something where the people I loved and who meant the most to me were there to support me and share in my happiness... not tell me to get over myself and get on with it. I don't think I'll ever forgive the people that said that.

I try to look at it positively and say that it was all a learning experience but the truth is... as much as I would love to get remarried one day when I've found the right person, I never want to go through all the hassle and expense of planning a wedding again. I would rather elope, or have a destination wedding with 30 of our closest friends and family. If someone wants to throw us a big party/reception then that's great- but its their money, and their planning, and I'll just show up in a pretty dress and have a good time, after I've already done it my way.

Can you believe that the end of this month will mark 6 months since I left my husband? Time's flown by!!

Anyway, seeing some of the recent "the wedding's off" posts, i just wanted to post something to say that while it might seem absolutely awful right now- one day you'll look back and see that it was a blessing in disguise. I can only wish that I'd been brave enough to have called mine off when there were problems. There is so much out there in life, so many opportunities, and there will always be someone who loves you, even if you don't realize it right now. Not to say that marriage holds you back- i definitely don't believe that- if it's right, marriage can give you the wings to fly higher and an incredible life- but when it's not a healthy situation you miss out on so many things. Spend the next few months solely concentrating on YOU. What do you want to do with your life? What are your aspirations? Where do you want to be in a year, 5 years, 10 years. Get yourself back on your feet. You're beautiful, amazing, incredible women with so much strength and potential but learning to embrace that can be difficult.

I won't lie- these past 6 months have been hard, even if it hasn't seemed it from some of my posts. Extremely hard. I went from being a homemaker for 3 years, to moving back in with my father, working minimum wage jobs, and trying to make new friends. Dealing with a lawyer and a jackass of an ex husband who refused to cooperate with any of my requests didn't make things any easier. There were days when I was so depressed and upset that I just laid in bed crying all day because it seemed like things were never going to get easier and that the better future that lay ahead of me seemed so far off. But I took all of that pain, anger and emotion and after a couple of months of using it in an unhealthy manner, I began channeling it into something more positive- it became my drive to prove him wrong. Prove to him that everything he said I would never be able to do without him, was possible without him.

In March I picked up a hostessing job at Red Robin- it was only minimum wage and it had awful hours (only about 10 hours a week) but it was something to get my foot back on the ladder after having not worked for 3 years, and having not worked for 4 years in the United States. I also don't have any higher education than High School. After that, I began looking for a second and third job- I picked up a second job hostessing at On the Border for a slightly higher rate of pay in April. A week after I started at OTB, I got a phone call from the salon I'd been trying to get a job with since early March asking if I'd come in for an interview about their full time receptionist position. With that, I quit Red Robin and I've now found something full time that I really want to do. It's not much more as far as pay goes, but its full time with benefits and by doing that during the day, I can keep OTB for evenings and hopefully be able to move out of my dad's apartment by December when the divorce is finalized. I'm hoping that by next summer I can enroll in cosmetology school and get my estheticians license. I finally feel like I have some kind of direction in my life. Something to look forward to in the future. I finally got my belongings back from my ex in March, and while the separation agreement hasn't been signed, I also found out this month that he was dropped by his lawyer for refusing to respond to their attempts at contacting him. The divorce paperwork will go through on December 9th (NC requires a year and a day separation) and 30 days after that the divorce will be finalized if he doesn't contest it. (which he won't bother doing. hell, he won't even stay at the same bar I'm at when we've run into each other, so I highly doubt he'd want to sit in the same courtroom)

Add to that, that I've the most amazing support from my friends, family, and you ladies. I've got an incredible man in my life- who's been there for me for years, I just never truly realized it until now. It's by far the healthiest relationship I've ever had- we have total respect for each other, we both know what we want out of life, we're extremely supportive of the other and we're working together to achieve our goals, both our independent aspirations and our mutual ones. We're taking things slowly and trying not to rush into anything.

It's all about baby steps. Getting up every morning and putting one foot in front of the other. Before you know it, time's flown by and things are finally starting to fall into place. Things aren't perfect, but nothing ever is. Sometimes, you have to laugh and just make the best out of your situations. Growing up, my grandmother always told me "Laugh and the whole world laughs with you, cry and you cry alone." and while I never truly understood what she meant when i was younger, it hits me so much harder now and it's so true. So keep your chin up, your eyes on the future and learn to love yourselves. If I can do this, anyone can.

Yesterday, (well, Tuesday- it's still yesterday to me since I haven't slept yet) was my birthday. I'm starting to feel old. lol. I turned 24, but it was definitely one of the best birthday's I've had in years... I won't say ever since I'm pretty sure I had some awesome ones when I was a kid.

Anyway, we headed out on Saturday night to celebrate- We had dinner at Red Robin, then hit up a couple of different bars and rented a hotel room in downtown so that we could all have a good time and not have to worry about anyone driving. Apart from the fact that a lot of people bailed just hours before the party, and some didn't turn up at all we still had a blast. My friends and I decided to go with a prom theme since we wanted an excuse to get all dressed up for the evening. One of my friends was sweet enough to make corsages and bouts for us, and she made me a lovely pair of earrings too. Sunday I wasn't feeling well (and it wasn't hangover related either. stupid monthly female bs.) so the boy came over and spent the afternoon with me to give me cuddles and make me feel better.

Tuesday was spent training at my new job (also at Red Robin... there was method to my madness. I wanted to observe and learn how the restaurant runs from a customers perspective... yes, I'm an overachiever.) where they were sweet enough to get me a birthday cake and sing happy birthday during some of our down time. That afternoon I met up with the boy for an all-you-can-eat sushi dinner and some snuggling on the sofa while watching The Proposal. (perfect movie for us- he gets to drool over Sandra Bullock, while I can drool over Ryan Reynolds.. who also happens to be his celebrity doppleganger.) He paid for everything all weekend as my birthday present, and on top of that he gave me an ipod loaded up with some of my favourite movies and albums. He totally spoils me! I couldn't ask for better!

My birthday party's on Saturday and I have NOTHING to wear. We'd originally planned it with a "prom" theme since prom season is coming up and most of my dresses have had a one time wear- we're going the whole nine yards and doing it like we were in HS.

The couple that the bf and I spend most of our time around is coming out with us for the evening (everyone else is meeting us at the bar) so she's going to come over and get ready at mine all day, and the bf's getting ready at theirs. Then the boys will come pick us up (hopefully with corsages?) we'll take poorly posed photos in front of a kinda pretty area (the hedge behind my apartment complex) head out for dinner somewhere cheapish (probably like the olive garden although I'd be perfectly happy with chick-fil-a) then head down to the bar to go bar crawling in our evening gowns and meet up with everyone else.

However... I just tried on my gowns. 2 of them kind of still fit, but they're snug. Really snug. And even with spanx they're still a bit on the awkward side trying to move around in. The other 4 don't fit at all because I've gone up 2 cup sizes since HS. So that leaves me with either the cocktail dresses I've bought more recently, or 2 maxi dresses from last summer. One of them needs to go to the seamstress because it's way too big around the back and hangs funny. The other one... well, I wore it for my engagement party and I kind of haven't worn it since even though it's a really nice dress.

So, do I wear the "engagement party dress" or head out to deb and try to pick up a prom dress on the cheap from the sales rack? The engagement party dress doesn't really strike me as prom-ish much, but maybe something could dress it up? Or there's a brown cocktail dress that I have that I think I could make pretty fancy but it wouldn't be particularly prom looking. (i don't have any photos of it anymore, but it's just a chocolate brown knee length sheath/fitted dress with an almost sweetheart but slightly square neckline & 1inch straps. It's roached across the bust.) Any ideas?

or.... i could wear my wedding gown which was basically a glorified prom dress... just not wear the crinoline under it. but I was kind of saving to wear that again for my ttd shoot.

3 weeks ago a friend of mine got engaged to her boyfriend and I just thought "awww, that's so sweet!" and sent her a congratulations and good luck, offering to help out if she needed it. I'm really happy for her!

Then, on Monday, I asked if she knew anyone with a truck or large SUV I could borrow for a few hours to move some things from my dad's place into my storage unit and we ended up chatting a bit about the wedding. Then out of no where she asked if I'd like to be a bridesmaid. I'm SO honored! I really didn't expect it!

We've been friends since HS but we lost touch for a while when I moved to England and again when I was dating my ex- he wouldn't let me have any of my friends over to the apartment, and we used to get into huge fights about who I could and couldn't spend time with. He didn't like the look of her and refused to ever meet her so our contact was kept to a minimum over facebook and myspace. When I decided I was leaving him, she was one of the first on FB to encourage me to get out of the situation and she supported me, asking me to go for nights out with her and her friends so that I wasn't cooped up and dwelling in self-pity and depression. I really can't thank her enough for doing that for me... I needed it, a lot.

Tuesday and last night we met up to talk about getting the ball rolling on planning her wedding- She's looking at Sept 3rd, 2011 for her date, but I pointed out to her that it'll be Labour day weekend and she might want to consider Sept 10th instead (plus doing the 10th would give her an awesome wedding date- 9/10/11). We've talked about budget, guestlist, ideas, themes, and venues so far. I'm so excited that I get to help her out! It's going to be waaaaay different from planning my own wedding and I really hope that I can help her out and help make it everything she wants. :)

Those of you who follow my twitter will already know that yesterday was a pretty rough day for me. In fact, most of this week has been pretty much downright awful, but Wednesday night/Thursday morning was just all too much and I finally broke down and lost it. I spent close to the entire night crying. When I woke up in the morning after the few hours of sleep that I did manage to get, I looked like I'd been punched in both eyes and I still didn't feel any better than I had the night before.

A good friend of mine noticed my tweets and suggested that we get out of the house for a bit so that I could try and take my mind off things. He grabbed his camera and we headed down to a local nature park so that we could chat and he'd take some photos while we were there to get me feeling more comfortable in front of a camera since I'm waaaaay camera shy. It was definitely something I needed- I felt somewhat better after we'd hung out, and I was excited to see the pics.

He sent me a few of them this morning and I loved the way they turned out. Especially the close up of my face where my eyes look nearly gold. I've noticed over the past few months, my eyes seem to be changing color again, and everyone's been commenting on my "twilight" eyes. I'm not complaining. They're pretty, and very unique. I'm amazed at how different my skin looks now in comparison to the photos that were taken in October during the wedding. I look, glowy- there's a much softer, natural sheen to my skin. I have more color coming back into my face and chest area, whereas in the wedding photos I look worn down and stressed out- My skin looks harsh and sallow... grey almost. It's amazing what a couple of months of being away from a major source of stress can do to change your appearance and demeanor.

It's been a while since I was on here- I just wanted to drop in and say hi to everyone.

There's really not been any major changes since the last time I updated- the ex is still being a total jackass... even more so now that he's trying to get the pity vote by telling everyone I ran off with my best friend since he can't admit that he's the one who screwed up. I still don't have my personal belongings back- not even my wedding dress! He refuses to give me ANY of my stuff, thanks to a wonderful little statute that states that the spouse who leaves the premises apparently forfeits all legal right to any property left within the residence after the time of leaving. Well.... I didn't voluntarily leave that day. I was forced out and told to leave for my own safety. And yet, there's nothing that can be done about it except go to court over everything. I'm not even asking him for anything! I'm only asking for the office furniture (futon, tv stand, & bookshelf), my personal belongings (sentimental items, clothes, shoes, posters, ornaments, gifts, etc.) and that's it! He can keep the rest of the stuff- I don't want it. I never even liked it. He got the dog even. I don't want spousal support. He's getting off easy. We were only married for 2 months. There's nothing to fight over. And yet, he's managed to drag this out for 2 months already too. It's all so ridiculous.

In the meantime however, I'm having a lot of fun with my friends and being as positive about the future as possible. It feels so enlightening to be rid of him, to be allowed to explore, grow, and be nurtured by the positivity, love and strength my friends and family have shown me. I'm keeping busy and I haven't felt so happy in years. Things still aren't quite as good as they could be, but I know that if I keep my chin up and work hard everything will fall into place exactly how it's meant to be.