Okay. I am turning to the hive because FI is tired of hearing it and I can't burden anyone else with this. We made the grave mistake of choosing our (outrageously large) wedding party exactly 2 days into our 27-month engagement. We selected 18 of our closest friends and family to stand with us on our wedding day. Oh, hindsight is always 20/20, isn't it?
The problems began shortly before our engagement party in June 2011. We hosted a small party for our wedding party and parents. We gave plenty of notice so that everyone would be able to attend. We asked our guests to wear semi formal attire (cocktail length dresses for the ladies, nice shirt and slacks for the guys). We got great responses to the dress code from our guests... After all, how often do you get an excuse to look fabulous?
I had confirmed RSVPs with all of my attendants 2 weeks before the party... Well, all except for one. Let's call her BM Ladybug. I called, texted, Facebook messaged... Basically everything except sending smoke signals or scrawling it in chalk on her driveway. A week before the party, I finally tracked her down and confirmed that yes, she was in fact planning on showing up. Her excuse for going MIA? She said she was just busy. I believed it and we moved on.
Fast forward to the afternoon before the party. Another bridesmaid, whom we'll call BM Cobra, left me a post on my FB wall. To my dismay, it read, "Sorry, but I have too much homework. I don't think I'll be able to make it." I sent her a text. I told her that I was disappointed that she wouldn't be joining us, and hoped that she would be able to finish her work in time. I was secretly crushed (Two months of notice and you couldn't start your paper early enough? Really!?), but I understand that things come up.
A few minutes later, she told me that she would be making it after all. Then my phone buzzed again. The text message from Cobra read, "By the way, I won't be going home from school before the party, so I don't have a dress to wear. Is it cool if I wear jeans?" I got a little suspicious at this point. She'd been home from school six or seven times since she found out about the party (including the weekend before), and she hadn't bothered to grab a dress? Luckily, we wear the same size, so I offered to bring several extra options for her to try on. She told me that she would see me the following afternoon.
Two hours before the party started, she texted me again. "I just put the address in my GPS. I don't think I'm going to be able to make it." At this point, I kinda lost it. But let's be real here- she was never planning on showing up. Which would have been fine, if she had been honest about it. I told her how disappointed I was. I reminded her that part of being a bridesmaid is being someone I can rely on, not adding to my already high stress level. She told me my expectations were unreasonable because my wedding was still two years away.
I never yelled at her. I never called her names, or told her she wasn't in the wedding. I just expressed my feelings of disappointment.
We had a great night, regardless of the drama. Some of our guests had other commitments (child's birthday, another wedding, lost babysitter...all reasonable), but we didn't mind. BM Ladybug was there, although she mostly sat with one other BM and ignored everyone else. It didn't matter. It was our night. It was perfect.
The following Monday, I noticed that BM Cobra was no longer my friend on Facebook. Sometimes it happens accidentally (don't ask me how) so I shot her a text asking her about it. She named several reasons (namely because of an ex-friend of mine) that had nothing to do with me, and told me that I was a Bridezilla and we were no longer friends. She deleted her Facebook and I have not heard from her since.
I quickly replaced her in the wedding party with my new step-sister, who is wonderful and means the world to me. All was well in bridesmaid land until....
I found out the BM Ladybug has been texting one of the groomsmen for several months with all sorts of nasty comments about me, my FI, and the wedding. Apparently, she has never liked Mr. Mogwai or approved of our relationship (news to me!). She doesn't think I should be getting married. She also thinks that asking one of my closest guy friends to stand with me on my wedding day "cheapens the experience for my real friends."
Here's the funny part. BM Ladybug has met Mr. Mogwai maybe 6 times in the 3 years we've been dating. 4 of them were in the first 6 months we were dating. She made her decision about him a long time ago. We have grown so much, both individually and as a couple, since then.
I know that she is just misinformed and her opinion doesn't really matter, but I'm still upset. It really bothers me that she had to share these "concerns" with one of Mr. Mogwai and I's best friends rather than saying it to my face. She has been MIA for the better part of 3 years and it makes perfect sense now. I'm worried that she won't be able to set these feelings aside, and having her stand by me on my big day will be a huge mistake. I refuse to make any rash decisions, and I really want to talk with her about it.
That's where all of you come in. First, thank you for reading this ridiculously long novel. I thought the bridesmaid drama would be over after BM Cobra split. Apparently, I was wrong.
How should I handle this? How should I broach the subject when I talk to her? (This one is really stumping me!!) Would you want someone who you knew didn't support your marriage standing by your side on the big day? Thanks for your honest feedback in advance!
