Bridesmaids

Should you pay??

I've been in a few weddings and all of them I know that by saying yes there are certain responsibilities I will have to take on.

My bridesmaids will be paying for their dress, shoes, hair and makeup. However, my cousin Ashley is a struggling college student, and I have paid for her dress because she was not able to - and I did so without question. I've also paid for my flower girls dress as I know my sister is strapped as well.

I would never replace someone just because they couldn't pay for it themselves.

My bridesmaids are all paying for their dress except one. They are going to be wearing very budget-friendly dresses. The one who couldn't pay is just going through a rough time, however she will be paying it back later. It is traditionally part of being a bridesmaid to pay for your own dress, and I will pay for mine when I have to be a part of their weddings.

Though I must say, there is nothing wrong with you paying for them. That is very nice of you.

I totally agree with berlies and sravll....if the girls CAN afford their dresses then by all means there's nothing wrong with asking. I've just read a couple blogs that the Bride has replaced them because either they still haven't gotten the dress (which might be because they can't afford it) or they can't afford it and I just find it very mean and hurtful!

i kinda felt the same way. i paid half of the cost of their dress, and i'll probably be picking up the alteration fees, but my friends are wanting to pay it themselves.

I have 1 MOH and 2 bridesmaids..... My one bridesmaid just had twins and is a single mommy - I offered to pay for her dress, but she wont go for it... lol
Sooo with all my girls  we decided together that we would go out shopping to find something!! But my girls know me, and know I look and find some great deals. and I have told them since all of them insist on paying for there dresses that they wont be over a hundred dollars! I think for one day you should be paying all this money for a dress your wearing for less than 24 hours... and I do not care even if they are all the same dress or if all their hair and shoes match!
I think ALOT of brides on her are forgetting the most important part of all this wedding planning whoopla.... It's not the wedding laddies! It's the marriage that is important in all of this - sooo when we all start freaking out over the little things Just remember why your doing it, in the first place! To share your life with that one person you choose! ; )

- Sorry if I offended anyone too... I just think that there are so many brides (ME INCLUDED) that get so wraped up in all of the stress they for get the purpose of why they are planning this wedding! ; )

I was in my sisters wedding a couple of years ago, and she paid for all of us (sisters). And her friends that were in the wedding, i think they paid for everything them selves. I guess it depends on if the BM's you choose, if they can afford it or not. My 3 BM's are my sisters. They are all paying for everything themselves. idc about the shoes matching, thats not a big deal. The only thing they will have to buy is the dress & i'm not going to pick out a expensive dress when they are only going to wear it once.

As for the hair and makeup. We are doing our own. One of my sisters is doing all of our hair =]

But i do agree with you. Brides should not get mad at a BM if they can't afford getting their dresses. BUT the BM should let the bride know instead of dragging it out until people start getting mad at each other. I don't think it's a time to start fighting over things! =]

I dont think you would get hate mail..thats very good of you and i really considered this also, but with 5 bridesmaids i just cant afford it and i really want them all there with me. So i made it clear before hand that they would have to pay for their own dresses and hair (although im thinking of paying for their hair). this was the condition..and they all agreed. I think if you want them to pay for the dress you have to tell them upfront..dont suprise them. I 110% agree with you about ppl bashing there BM for not being able to afford the dress, if it came down to it..i would pay for my BM as its more important they are in my wedding then being able to afford a dress.

"courtneykins" you are 100% right.....I also think that alot of us are forgetting the main purpose of this Special Day!! It should be about having your friends and family involved in planning your special day..doesn't matter if their broke or rich....wedding should NOT be about money..it's the meaning that's the most important.

Everybody has great points and I do agree that if the BM's want to be in your wedding and they insist on paying then goooo right ahead ha ha..It just made me a bit sad to see that some go about it in a wrong way and put the BM's on the spot and I just feel for them. But like I said..all the posts on here so far make perfect sense and I agree with all of them.

While you bring up a good point about you asking them to be in the wedding...they are CHOOSING to accept (meaning they know they have to buy a dress, shoes, hair, make-up, etc etc).  If we all had the money in the world, then yes I can see paying for everyone's dresses and accessories; however not a lot of brides can do that.  The BM should respectfully say up front, I would love to be a part of your day, but I can't afford it.  There is no rule they have to be in your wedding...they can say no for whatever reason.  I have been in numerous weddings and I've had to pay for my dress and shoes each time...I don't see anything wrong with it...it's a part of being a BM.  On the same note...I think finding a $300 dress and making your BMs pay for it is unacceptable.  If you want them to wear it that bad, then you should definitely pony up.   There are cheaper dresses than that.  But I do agree if your BM can't afford it then you shouldn't bash them because of that.  No hate comments---it is your opinion after all...we are all allowed to have them.

Just playing devil's advocate...are you paying for your out of town guests lodging, airfare, etc?  After all you are asking them to come to your wedding to share in your joy.  You wouldn't want anyone not to come because they couldn't afford it.

You are right it's your opinion and option! I agree with you 50% because like many of the other WBC brides have stated,  when you have more than 2 BM's then that is not feasible. So then you might say you shouldn't have picked so many BM's but everyone wants to be in your wedding!! When a groomsmen or bridesmaid accepts the responsibility of being in your wedding than they know up front that is comes with a financial responsibility in many cases. So when someone hasn't paid for their dress or tux the Bride and Groom have every right to be angry because you knew your obligation  ahead of time and you agreed. Now, if a BM or GM run into some financial issues or they are just having a hard time paying for their stuff then I think IF the Bride and groom can afford to help out then by all means. My FH brother and nephew's can not pay for their tux so we are paying for them.  I don't mind helping out but I can't pay for everyone's dress and tux.

Well, my girls are paying for their dresses. My FSIL already paid half on hers and my mother is paying half for my sister, which I don't think is fair to FSIL. I know they probably won't be wearing the dresses again, but they can always sell them and get some money back.

"tigre99" ....ha ha I knew someone would ask me that..darn!! We are paying for some that are coming to the wedding. We had offered to pay for our parents and sibblings but they refused so when I asked my MOH I knew she couldn't afford it so we offered to pay. We're not paying for everyone because they are just friends or friends that are coming, they werent originally invited but decided to come and take a vacation as well.

There's always one in the bunch!  :-)  

You are very generous!  We had a small wedding too and we did pay for everyone's stay (since we all had to stay at the B&B).  Your guests should count themselves lucky!

NO HATE COMMENTS FROM ME!!!! I completely agree with you! I am paying for 2 MOH, 2 BM's and a flower girl's dress's, accessories, make up and hair for that day! It's not that I have all this money but I do not feel that I have the right to request for them to pay. I have worked this into my budget and I have cut corners to make sure I can make these 5 individuals feel as special as I do on this day!

I am amazed that some brides are insulted by their wedding party telling them that they cannot afford their dress's and are willing to lose their friendship's over this! I personally don't think it's worth it.

Thank you for speaking your mind!

I find it intriguing reading thses posts as over here in England it is usually the 'done' thing for the bride and groom to pay for the wedding attire..i wouldn't dream of asking my guests in the bridal party to pay for their outfits..if they were to offer to pay and insisted im not saying id turn the offer down..but its not normal for the bride to expect the bridesmaids to pay..after all its not their fault if ya like that you've decided to get married etc...

i have one MOH and 3 BMs we have all been friends for over 15 yrs and they are so happy to be part of our special day, butthey also know how much weddings cost, i didnt even have to ask they fully told they were getting thier dress and to just tell tehm when and where they are all so excicted, of course i want them to be happy and be able to wera the dress again and i have  set a budget  for their dresses which nothing over $100 and we have seen a few just not the right shade, i will be getting jewlery for them and making ther pomanders,oh and i will be gettiung them these cute ballet shoes so they can dance the night away and have fun , i will also giving my girls gifts to thank them for being  part of my day, they will doing thier own make up and hair  themselves so no wasting money there and as for shoes i just want them to wear black  shoes dont care if they all dont match. i think there are some responsiblites when u are  MOH or BM you have a role and true friends would do almost anything, i have been to many weddings and have paid for my dress its the right thing to do as long as its not  something crazy and not within ppl budget  i think its fine.

i think there needs to be some things paid for.

i am paying for the girls hair, makeup, pedicure, flowers (obvs)

i also let the girls pick their OWN dresses. all i asked for was that it was the same designer and fabric (which i did not choose)

i even let them choose between chocolate brown dresses and light pink.

i think it's about toning down our bridezilla-ness (which VERY easy gets ahold of us at times) and just be relaxed and happy that the most important people in our lives are going to be standing up there with us when we get married :)

but yeah, it's about communicating expectations when you ask someone. and really realizing that 200+ dollars on a dress might be hard for someone to pay for.

I've been a bridesmaid four times and had to pay for my dress each time.  They ranged  in price from $80-300, and they are all hiding in my closet.  This was something that I accepted however when accepting to be a BM.  I also paid for my hair and makeup without question.

I think the real problem is when brides choose expensive and/or unflattering dresses and expect the BMs to pay for them that is unacceptable.  Even better when the BMs have to have matching shoes and accessories!

I had only my MOH.  I asked her only to choose a black dress of any style and length that she loved and shoes that were comfortable.

If I had the money to pay for my wedding party's clothes and such that would be awesome!  You opinion totally makes senses though!  Why isn't it that way?

I do understand that when you ask someone to be in your wedding they have some responsibilities..in a way!!! To me the only responsibility for them is to show up and that's it. They're there to support YOU!!

I'm old school as well..I've just been brought up the way that if you can't afford it, you don't get it..and it applies to BM's...if I can't afford to buy 10 dresses then I'm not going to ask 10 girls....BUT if THEY tell me that they want to be in the wedding and that THEY want to pay then by all means go right ahead.. ha ha

It's not only dresses though...like some have said on here..they need shoes, accessories, makeup, hair..when you add it all up it's one expensive day for the person NOT getting married.

i felt the same way!  im paying for their dress, hair, makeup, and hotel the night before if we do that.  i have three BMs, (well idk whats going on w/ the fourth), 1 jr bm, 1 flower girl, and the same amount on the guys side we are paying for their tuxes.  i guess if i had eight it would be a bit harder.  the ones that i dont think are very nice are the brides that refuse to even help one person out..

for me, i see it more as having them spend the DAY with me to celebrate as guests of honor.

BUT that's my style.  as long as someones not being a bridezilla about their BMs I cast no judgment on them asking them to pay... it's their lifestyle and I'm sure their friends know that.

I've been a bridesmaid 9 times now, three times the dress was paid for by the bride. The other times either the material was bought for me and I paid a seamstress, or the bride helped otu.
I paid for my sister's dress, hair and accessories. She was my only bridesmaid, so I didn't mind.

That said, agreeing to be a bridesmaid means buying a dress.
It is an honour to be asked to stand up next to a friend when they say their vows!
I don't agree with brides being unreasonable by any means, $300 dresses, $100 shoes, hair, make-up, special underwear... that's just ridiculous.
But I don't think there is anything wrong with having a bridesmaid pay for a moderately priced dress. (but don't be getting insulted if you don't get a wedding gift from her!) lol

I think if you can afford to pay fo their dresses thats fantastic, and I think most of us would if we could, well I would any way, lol. We have 5 BM's though, it's just not doable for us to pay for all the dresses.

I am however finding ways to cut costs for the girls, for example, I've told them there is no need for shower or wedding gifts since they have to buy their dresses, I am and wil be doing a lot of research to find them a dress around $100. They don't have to have matching shoes, I'm going to pick  a style and they can wear something they have if it fits, borrow something, or buy something cheap. They don't have to get their hair done, they can do it themselves or just get a blow out or get it done. And we are getting our makeup done at Body Shop, it's only $20 and  I might pay for this.

I don't think it's unfair to ask them to pay for the dress etc. as a BM I think you expect it, but  you have to be considerate of them. Look at it as if you were sitting on the other side and how greatful you would be if the bride helped you save money. I don't want any of them to have to back out for money reasons, so anything we can do to help we will. And I would never say hateful thing about them if they coudn't, but I totally understand the frustration some girls have when their BM waits til the last minute to tell them, it's a difficult situation.

It is widely accepted that, when you are asked to be a bridesmaid, you understand you are paying for your dress. And if you cannot take on that responsibility, then yes. You decline.

Sorry, but that's the way it is.

And really, you want to talk about people "bashing" their MOHs/BMs for not being able to afford their dresses... but aren't you in this very blog entry bashing brides who can't afford to buy their bridal party's dresses? Isn't that hypocritical and just as tactless?

To say, "well, you're paying for the bridesmaids to eat and drink for free all night... so you should ALSO pay for their dresses"... I think that's pretty insulting, really.

It sounds to me like you think brides should be bowing at their friends' feet for being bridesmaids.

As for brides who get mad... I want to put it in perspective. Let's say your girls have twelve months to save for their dress, which is $100. Do the math: ti's $8.50 a MONTH. Should brides be mad when a bridesmaid suddenly says three months before the wedding, "oh, I can't afford the dress... even though I had the last nine months to save for it"? Yes, I think so. If it's important to you, you'll skip the morning frappe twice a month to put the money back for it. MOST brides do not ask for $400 bridesmaid dresses and $120 shoes.

My opinion: I'm paying several thousand more than you are. If I'm paying for a $26k wedding (American average), you can foot the bill for your $100 dress. If you're really incapable of doing so, talk to me and I'll do what I can. But I'm not responsible for buying your dress just because I asked you to stand up for me at my wedding.

no hate from me at all.  I have five BM, five groomsmen, a ring bearer, and a flower girl.  We are paying for ALL of their attire.  We are letting them all choose their own attire.  Wouldn't be able to get away with it unless it was that way.  But that's fine.  Every wedding I've been to, the bride has volunteered to shell out the costs.  Was always taught that was the right thing to do, since they help you out so much.  But that's just my culture and my experience.

Great point indeed, and I agree with you wholeheartedly about not kicking people out of your wedding due to them being unable to pay for a dress! I read a post recently that I just clicked off of because to respond would be futile. It's odd to me when people speak about many years of friendships ending because the chosen MOH, BM's etc, didn't jump through the hoops of the bride's timelines. Weddings aren't suppose to be times of selfish antics and tantrums, it should be inspiring to all involved.
Take care, and good for you being able to pay for your ladies.

I had already decided to buy my girl's dress, Three off them are family. I thought it whould be less stressfull to me. So I put it in our budget .

I feel its up to each Bride... I agree that if you ask someone to be in your party and they can't due to Money problems, then you should offer to help out or pay it all.... there is a responsibility in being a bridesmaid, but again its totaly up to the bride.

The bridesmaids I am having have already been brides, and I was in their  respective wedding parties and paid for my own clothing, accessories, shoes, hair, makeup, nails, tan... etc etc. I am asking them to purchase their dresses and shoes and I am covering all the other expenses, which add up!! I feel NO GUILT!! : ) I figure it cost me approx $700- 1000 dollars to be in each of their special days, so if they are having to pay $170 it is no big deal.

Hey there!  No hate mail from me either :)  I just wanted to add that yes I think it is not fair to replace a BM/MOH that could not afford the dress.  But I am appreciative to my BMs that have agreed to and can afford the dress.  I would be willing to work with or even purchase a dress for a BM that could not afford it.  I would not replace my best friend if she could not afford the dress.  But I think the breaking point for most brides, including myself,  is when a BM has agreed to purchase the dress, says she can afford it, yet the dress is their very last priority.  I am not saying the dress should be priority # 1, Lol, no!  But I actually had one of my BMs purchase a brand new $400 phone or I'd go over her house, and she had clearly been on many shopping sprees! But never thinks twice about the dress.  I just feel that if there is a prior agreement, a BM should keep their word and pay for the dress.  At that point, I think it  is okay to tell someone that has exhibited those characteristics that maybe they shouldn't be in the wedding.

The wedding day is belong yours, and you invite to all best friends to jion your wonderful happy day, I think you should pay it.
Hope you have a wonderful day.

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All of my girls were to pay for their own gown in the beginning along with all the groomsmen. But over time things changed and finacial situations got harder. I had picked the cheapest dress I could find but it was still after taxes $120.00. So when things got hard for a couple of the girls I ended up paying the tab for three of the dresses and three of the tuxes. No questions asked. I knew they could not afford it so I cut other things out of the wedding to be able to afford it. I would rather cut my guest list and other things than to not have my girls in the wedding standing by my side. Luckily I could cut things out of the wedding budget to be able to do this....otherwise I would not have been able to afford it.

I have to disagree. When you accept to be in someone's wedding, I believe you also accept the responsibility of paying for your dress, hair and shoes, and anything else you require. If one of my BM's had  not been able to afford it, then I would offer to help them out. I'm not the type of person who would kick a BM out of my wedding party just because they don't have money. I would have loved to pay for my BM's dresses, but we just could not afford to do so.

I don't agree with brides choosing very expensive dresses, and demanding they also buy expensive shoes. Before my BM's and I even started looking for dresses for them, we discussed what price range they were comfortable with for a dress, and they all agreed that a dress under $200 they would be willing to pay. For shoes, I just said I'd like them all to wear black satin heels, and that they could buy whichever pair they wanted, and I didn't care if they were the same style or height, I wanted them to be comfortable. I also told them that I would like them to style their hair and put on makeup, but that it was entirely up to them if they wanted to get their hair done at a salon, and if they wanted their makeup professionally done.

It didn't matter to me one way or the other about the shoes or height, which they all wore high ones of course.  

The dress, I bought and chose arbitrarily.  It was a beautiful color, formal and flattering.  It was also only $100 each.  

Still after all the costs, including tux rentals, I wish I had thought about it more and only had 2 bms and 2 gms.  

I had one extra each, but darn it it was all adding up.  I also paid for the 2 fg/2rb and to do it over, I would have just 1fg/1rb because you also have to invite their spouses/dates and extra family, kids parents to the rehearsal dinner out of courtesy and boy, did it get expensive!!!

There are other ways to honor ppl w/o being in the wedding party:  greeter, guestbook, reader, musical performance, guest check in, gift table....they could even make a little speech/toast, don't have to be in a wedding party.

If a bride can afford it, yep she should pay for it, especially if she has strict ideas about the dress design.   But how crazy expensive it is, if you have more than 2 bms/2 gms!  

Regardless who is paying for it, my practical self would like to keep the dress around $100 or definitely below $200.  That's only right.

Plus, the girls will conceivably throw you a bridal shower with presents etc.  And you will give them a bridal gift, which could be the dress, shoes, hair or makeup or not....I really believe it all evens out in the end between close friends and family.

You are absolutely entitled to your opinion. And honestly, I thought about this before deciding to have a bridal party. I can't afford everyone's outfits and therefore, I am in lieu of a gift, offering to pay for a set amount of them and the groomsmen's outfits. I agree with you that they probably won't wear them again and if they're cheap enough, I will gladly pay for the whole dress. I kinda have a dollar amount I'm ok with..

But this is totally up to each bride. If it works for you, that is awesome and your girls are super lucky, but I think it is pretty standard that they pay for their outfit and then get a gift of thanks or they have their outfit partially or completely paid for.. but to each his own.

However, if it were a situation where I knew someone I really wanted to be in the wedding couldn't afford to, that's a different story. I would probably still offer to pay for 50-75% of the cost. Or help them in some way - buy their jewellery or shoes for the day, pay for their hair - something.

I guess it's just that not everyone can afford to buy the entire outfit but still wants the wedding party - to recognize important ppl in their lives.

I understand that a lot of bridesmaids can't always afford the dress you want them to wear. I also think that if the bride is already paying $20,000 or more for everything else she wouldn't be able to afford the dress either. I think a way of compromising would be to give them a swatch of the fabric with the color and tell them to find a dress they can afford in that color and specify what length you want.