My FH looks at these sites every time I'm not home.
He's even done it a few times when i was home:
-Once I found a dvd on top of the kitchen cabinets
-he watched it on our dvd player in the bathroom
(which he then hid the whole thing under the cabinet and i found it, plugged it in and the DVD was still in there and I left it plugged it and left it turned on, and when he woke up for work in the morning he unplugged it and threw the dvd in the trash)
-since he threw it away, I wasn't going to bring it up, and he also brought me flowers, but we didn't speak about it
after that i figured he would stop, nope, 2 days later he was on the computer again
that time i confronted him
I was calm, and not trying to be demeaning or mad about it (really i was just sad) and asked him, "why do you always look at nude websites"
I told him it made feel inadequate and not very pretty
I told him, that any day I seemed upset or mad for no reason, it was b/c of that
I also told him I could tell b/c he would always delete all the history (and I like to use the history to find all the sites that i visited before and didn't bookmark)
So i downloaded index.dat analyzer which shows you all the deleted history and you can even revisit the pages
and low and behold......lots of pornography sites!
and you know what else, he figured out what that program does, and started deleting the history from there himself!!
anyway when i confronted him, he told he was embarrassed and that he would stop
but he hasn't
I know that he loves me and wouldn't cheat on me
but I still don't think looking at porn is right
I mean to each their own, I know that there are plenty of women that just accept it or make it a "couple thing"
but,
we are about to make these promises:
Will you love him, comfort him, honor and keep him, in sickness and in health; and, FORSAKING ALL OTHERS, BE FAITHFUL to him as long as you both shall live?
I know there are a lot of women who have this same problem, just go onto yahoo.answers.com and search husbands and porn, or boyfriend and porn, or fiance and porn and a ton of questions will come up
a lot of answers were, get over it, its natural- at least he comes to you for the real thing, your a prude, Its ok, its a way for men to release stress
and i was going to try and accept it, but how can i accept something that really, I don't think is right!
then i found this site that had an article written by a former sex addict on marriage and pornography that helped realize that my wanting him to stop is not wrong
"Here's the warning: If you choose to use pornography as a means to sexually arouse yourself, you are forfeiting the ability to become aroused by your spouse. Over time, it will become more and more difficult to be sexually aroused by your lifemate because he or she will age while the porn star forever remains youthful in pictures and videos. Losing the ability to be sexually aroused by your spouse is a very bad thing! Not only are you putting yourself at risk for the temptation of an affair, but you are killing what should be a beautiful experience shared by you and your spouse."
"The use of pornography will inevitably destroy the self esteem of your spouse. Porn stars are selected because they are not normal. The females they select are usually far above average in breast size and in the appearance of other features."
"As your spouse is constantly exposed to the "perfection" of the people having sex in the video, he or she usually begins to feel ugly, inadequate and unwanted. In time it becomes painfully obvious to your spouse that a substitute is required to sexually excite you. Can you see how that would destroy self esteem? And trust me, it doesn't get better with time--it only gets worse as each of you experience the normal aging process while at the same time watching porn stars who are permanently young"
"If you are using another person--even a picture of another person--to sexually excite and arouse yourself, you are commiting adultery according to Jesus. Jesus said, "You have heard that it was said, 'Do not commit adultery.' But I tell you that anyone who looks at a woman lustfully has already committed adultery with her in his heart" (Matthew 5:27-28)."
"This question has been asked so often by couples around the world that we felt it necessary to provide an answer as a resource for individuals who want to please God in every area of their lives and to act in the best interest of their marriage and spouse."
http://www.familydynamics.net/using_pornography_porn_in_marriage.htm
anyway, like i said, he has not stopped even though he said he would, and I don't know what to do...
I did print out that article and have all the above quoted text highlighted, and I would like to show it to him
Also, we need to start going to church, we had already discussed it before, and I think it would help
ok, sorry for the longest post ever
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anonymousbride | Baytown, TX, United states | 02/07/2009
thanks so much ya'll, I'm glad to see ya'll are on my side and vintagebabe, thanks soo much for the links, I will definitely check them out!
I feel a lot better, because for a while i thought I was wrong for wanting him to stop or being selfish
I really hope we can resolve this before our wedding which only a little more than a month away.
and rodrhonda, what you wrote makes me tear up, b/c that is how i fee
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anonymousbride | Baytown, TX, United states | 02/07/2009
queristchiun:
He said he would stop and he has not
I know, b/c i just saw it in the history this morning
So, I decided I'm going to wait until Tuesday when he is off and tell him we need to talk and maybe sit at the couch and let him know that I went against what i said (I had told him that I would stop checking to see if he went on those sites) and saw that he was still going to them
I'm not going to demeaning, or get mad
I'm going to try to be understanding and caring
I'm going to show him those same quotes i wrote above. and tell him that we are about to make vows to each other that will not be fulfilled if this continues and that it will put unnecessary grief and strain in our relationship. It could also cause distrust which I believe i someone on WBC wrote trust is everything
thanks so much for yall's support, you have no idea how much your words are helping me!
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Thanks everyone again for sharing your advice, views, and experiences
Before I came across the website way above, I was going to try and just "deal" withe the situation and let it continue
I still felt like i needed support so I posted my dilemma here on WBC and feel more confident in the way I feel towards, because, I'm sorry, I honestly do not like the idea of my FH looking at porn, whether it is on a regular basis or not, It would still upset me.
How would he feel if I was constantly looking at Nude Men with huge muscles and abs of steel, but hiding it
He would get jealous, and I guess that is another feeling I kind of have towards this, I'm jealous that my FH goes to these sites and pleases him
I want to be the only one for him to come for that
Not some cyber bunny doll (no he doesn't do chats)
I do see that not everyone believes looking at porn is bad for a relationship, but everyone is entitled to their opinion
I know men like oogle at pretty girls, but getting off to them while naked and performing sexual acts, not a fan at all!
Vintage Babe, thanks for opening my eyes to the poor women who end up over their heads in the porn industry. Its really sad, and Shelley Lubben's story is inspiring and I'm glad she out there trying to help other women from that industry.
In addition to sites you gave me, I came across a video of her in court along w/another former adult entertainer sharing their stories about the real evils of porn and how they become trapped, and it was horrible and sad.
I will speak to my FH next week about this when he is off work and I hope we will able to work things out and bring this ordeal to a close
for starters... go here... www.thepinkcross.org
I feel a lot better, because for a while i thought I was wrong for wanting him to stop or being selfish
I really hope we can resolve this before our wedding which only a little more than a month away.
and rodrhonda, what you wrote makes me tear up, b/c that is how i feel
If he's telling you he will stop or that he wants to, he's either lying or telling the truth. If he's just lying-well then you've got even more problems. But hopefully you know him well enough to know he's telling the truth and maybe he wants to stop or has tried....but obviously hasn't yet. This is just a sign of how addicted he already is. Nip this in the bud now!
Don't forget-it is an addiction. You have to support him through him trying to change, but don't stop supporting him if you find he's had a setback(or a few!)
On the other end of the spectrum, I watch porn when my fiance isn't available. He's ok with me watching porn, because I don't do it while he is home and I only watch porn once in a great while. It's not putting strain on our relationship. It's not putting any strain on our sex life either. We still have sex just as much as we did before I started watching the porn. So everything is ok in moderation.
Good luck hun!
former porn stars will tell you porn is not healthy, and it is not okay. they tell the truth about porn. and that screams out to me, that porn is not healthy, or normal.
He said he would stop and he has not
I know, b/c i just saw it in the history this morning
So, I decided I'm going to wait until Tuesday when he is off and tell him we need to talk and maybe sit at the couch and let him know that I went against what i said (I had told him that I would stop checking to see if he went on those sites) and saw that he was still going to them
I'm not going to demeaning, or get mad
I'm going to try to be understanding and caring
I'm going to show him those same quotes i wrote above. and tell him that we are about to make vows to each other that will not be fulfilled if this continues and that it will put unnecessary grief and strain in our relationship. It could also cause distrust which I believe i someone on WBC wrote trust is everything
thanks so much for yall's support, you have no idea how much your words are helping me!
well, I can't get over it, i mean if it was something i could just not worry about, I wouldn't have made up this username just to write this blog, and get help from fell WBC brides.
Just b/c watching porn is common amongst many men, does not mean its normal- they have an addiction to watching porn that is fed by the easy access to that material, now its completely free! Sites like redtube.com allow you access to thousands and thousands o user submitted videos (which some are actual porn movies) for free, no sign up or anything
as far as "forsaking all others" goes.. i think that only need apply when there's no way for him to have others AND you. and as far as porn goes thats a matter of personal choice. but if your choice is he cant watch porn and be with you maybe you should tell him what those words mean to you, might make a stronger statement.
lastly though where do those sites get their info?! are they really watching porn because i dont think the girls on there look anywhere near perfect. some do but lots dont. the only thing is that they are thin. and as far as how unhealthy it is for them, im going to be realistic here and probably piss some people off by i dont really care, they should have done the research before going into porn!
For all those men who think nothing is wrong with it-- ask yourself this question- would you watch this trash if your mother was in the room? NO WAY! That's because it is BAD and they know it!
If you are just engaged and he's already hiding it from you on a repeated basis, think about how much WORSE it will be 5 years from now when have little ones to think about! This is a GIANT warning sign!
I wasn't preaching to you. But if you want to get nasty and call it that. Then fine. And yes I do know all about broken homes.. you may work with people who come from one and think that makes you an expert.. but i COME FROM A BROKEN home, and I guarantee you I know more. Don't tell me even a girl from a broken home can research a field before she gets into it. that shows me your lack to understand that girls from broken homes aren't given the same abilities in life as girls from more stable homes when they leave the nest and head out into the real world. Go to some research like I said. If you were 14 or 15 and come from drug addicts parents and forced to live on the streets and were starving, you'd get pretty desperate. And as someone who is supposed to be in a field that is there to HELP people, I am shocked to hear you say you pretty much don't care because they could have researched for themselves. That is a horrible thing to say. That's like telling a woman who got pregnant who got sick during pregnancy that she should have researched pregnancy before she got herself pregnant and that you aren't going to care if she gets medical attention to help her through it. Don't assume you understand anyones circumstances until you have been there. Don't assume those girls HAVE resources to research what they are getting into. Many of them are basically KIDNAPPED and held against their will in the sex industry. You can't research your way out of that.
I think perhaps you might not understand how one GETS into the porn industry, or how "pimps" work. I didn't at your age either. I recommened looking into what I'm talking about so you can fully understand what we're talking about here. You would be horrified to find out what other women are going through. And then perhaps you would feel differently.
anonymous bride. it's obvious you are hurting... and someone telling you to suck it up and deal with it cause they dont' mind it isn't going to help your pain, or help your FH remain sexually pure for you. You quoted bible scriptures, which tells me the Lord is in your life. Therefore you are going to completely disagree with porn being acceptable in your marriage, and I praise you for that. This issue needs counseling. many men break free of their porn addiction with Christ. I recommened going to look at Shelley Lubben's web site. She has inside information from porn stars (the research its obvious needs to be looked at here) and testimonys from former porn addicts and they all tell you at started off as something small, no big deal.... so they were slowly desensitized to it. but don't turn your back on him. Everyone is redeemable.
I tried to refocus back on the issue.... LOL!!!!!!!!!
You've come back and posted a few times yourself..... the fact is... he knows what he is doing is wrong. Just remember, he doesn't do it to hurt you, in fact, it has nothing to do with you. And it does not mean he doesn't love you either. he hides it because he is ashamed of it. it does not mean you aren't good enough either. It is an addiction. And as a Christian, you may be aware the scripture says it is a demon of lust that holds onto some people. Non Christian people wouldn't understand and their opinions generally don't even touch our beliefs and how we try to live our lives. I recommened praying for him. Asking if he wants to find a male at church to confide in and hold him accountable. And perhaps, giving him some inside information on the horrible situations porn stars go through to make porn, will help him realize those girls are someones daughters, and that porn is NOT glamorous. To men, porn is usually just the fantasy. But once many men realize there IS no fantasy for those actors and actresses, porn loses its appeal. My ex husband struggled with porn. It destroyed our intimacy. And now his porn addiction is destroying his current relationship. Which happens to be with the mistress he began having an affair with when the porn addiction progressed. He got to a point where TV and movies weren't enough. Generally, porn progresses. He's going to need you, but please remember, Jesus says we are redeemable... all of us.
and please email me if you have something to say because i refust to argue with you on here.
My fiance doesn't really have a porno addiction, but some guys in his Bible study were having problems with it. As a group, they all went to the above website and signed up for it. I am my fiances accountability partner. Every week I get an email about all of his internet activity and they flag certain sites, to make sure I check them out. If he ever disables the program, I get notice of that as well. I think the program is awesome.... maybe you could convince you fiance to try it (or just put it on his computer yourself... but I would talk to him about it. You need to establish trust!).
"WHAT WOULD DR. PHIL SAY?"
NOWAY, HE NEEDS HELP!
Anonymousbride, keep us posted on the turn out, please!
I thank GOD that my FH does not look at porn and very much is against it, and does NOT believe in cheating!!! He actually was involved in a relationship with a girl who was addicted to porno and pleasuring herself and she didn't want anything to do with him!!!
Please honey, do what makes you happy. Forget every penny you have spent on this wedding if he isn't the right one for you. If he really isn't willing to not do something that is breaking your heart, well...you think about it.
I wish you the best of luck, hopefully you will be able to work it out and things will be fine. But if he isn't willing to change I hope you will do the right thing.
Want to fight about something...fight about smokers who smoke in front of children...especially in parks! Disgusting.
My guy watches porn too. I caught him one morning. He likes to do it before he gets ready for work and I am sound asleep. It does bother me to an extent, but we still have a normal sex life, so I know he's not doing it because of that. Also, he works long hours and he is exhausted most nights. But in the morning he is wide awake and ready to go, but I'm sure as hell not waking up. haha.
Every guy I know watches porn. Even the married ones. I DO NOT think it is adultery/cheating! The only times I think porn is actually a problem is if it is affecting your sex life with one another or if it becomes an addiction. But you really need to be able to understand the difference between an actual addiction and just enjoying something.
Honestly my advice is to just forget about it. If you are constantly checking his computer you are just going to make yourself feel like crap when you discover that he's been watching it again. But by all means, if it is causing relationship issues, you need to sit him down and find out what's really going on.
i guess it to eaches own.
I don't think it's unhealthy because when FH and get togehter we are trying to please each other, not what we have seen
After discussions, and chats I was frustrated and decided we shouldnt get married in 08.
So after we moved the wedding I started focusing on myself. We were still together but the relationship changed. I went to the gym everyday - lost significant amount of weight, started doing my hair, dressing sassy etc. I was doing me. He then noticed that guys started to pay attention to me - a lot. I had heads turning when I waslked. He was jealous. Then one day he went through my comp (to see if I was cheating) and saw porn on my computer. Yup - big dic**, big muscles, everything. I didnt go on, I just searched so it would be on my history - I was never into it.
Man that was a stab for him in the heart. When I tell you 180 in less than 5 seconds - he was surprised. Tables turned.
And our relationship too. He barely uses his computer anymore, or has any dvd's. Im sure he goes on those sites when its "that time of the month" but thats it. Our sex life is great. Im still keeping up my lifestyle, with the gym, hair and clothes - bc even though hes in my life (and Im greatful he is a great guy) I dont want to lose a track of how I feel. Noone wants to be with someone who is always insecure, always bitching, crying.
Moral of the story - flip the script and see where it goes. If he cares - he will realize he is about to lose you and change his habits. If not - hes not worth fighting for - the porn will always win, its an addiction like many girls said.
But on the other hand, I don't lie about it and delete history.
Vintagebabe, I'm not trying to be mean, but your posts piss me off. I'm sorry it didnt work out with u and your ex, but come on. You dissolved an entire union cause of some pictures of boobies?
No body said porn was healthy. It can be an addiction. But so can mcdonalds. But Mcdonalds is still tasty, you know?
Part of being an adult is moderation. If you can't handle it, you have no business getting married in the first place.